We're not living in our own house yet. Some day we may again have our own quarters and I am very thankful for the roof over my head and the comfortable bed, but it is not my own. During this long process of renovation, the lack of my own space has really gotten me down at times, but never more than now as the world around me decorates for Christmas.
I didn't grow up celebrating Christmas at all and have only done so for the past ten years. Even during that time since my marriage, it was never a religious holiday for us. This year it has become much more than it ever was before and although that means I should be even more grateful to consider what I have and think about my Saviour who was born without even a normal bed to be laid in, I cannot help but find myself feeling melancholy.
We might have a tree, because the couple we're living with are thinking about getting one, but it won't be our tree. We might have stockings (or maybe not, I just don't know right now), but they won't be the family ones we've collected over the years.
On a good year, I struggle with making Christmas a time of cheer and happy memories, because it doesn't come naturally to me. I didn't grow up with any of it. I grew up saying, "Bah humbug!" and thinking people who celebrated Christmas were idiots. Yet, I love the music, the lights, the cookies and all, but I don't really know how to do Christmas. What little I have done in the past to make it special for our family, is now all packed away and out-of-reach.
I know and can tell myself over and over that it isn't about the things. It's a magical time whether one has the world or nothing and I have a whole lot more than nothing, so what's my problem?
I put on my best poker face, smile for the kids, we're doing our very first Advent wreath ever and I'm playing Christmas music on the iPod, but I'm afraid the feel of Christmas is missing this year without a home to decorate and have friends and family visit.
5 years ago